Mona's Year in Review

Ah, 2007, my friend. You were a good year to me. Like remember when we had the Tila Tequila Drinking Game in which we had to take a shot whenever Tila said, "I'm a bisexual"? You knew how to have a good time, 2007. Let's hope 2008 is just as fun as you are, and even more of a riot than 2006.

Here's a rundown of my favorite posts, videos, and pictures from these exciting, expensive and exhausting 365 days. Thanks for reading.

I wouldn't say my vagina is adorable.



Am I really too fat to help fight against cancer?

I got a job! A paying job! With benefits! Break out the exclamation points, who's expressing strong feelings now, playa!





Sorry, dear husband. You're really savoring the meat section from Safeway, not the soul of Tenochtitlan.

I felt like I was back in my short-story writing class with the idiot, who smoked pot in the woods and got water for his bong from a puddle, explaining that the robots added to the "dream of fiction."



I don't know what's more awkward to hear, a bad writer admitting she's a bad writer and bringing it up a notch with a compliment that makes no sense or being recognized as having secured the advancement of man. I seemed a lot smarter when my mouth was full of cheese.



"...half of Nathan's room is our office, so when I tell you that his nursery theme is Microsoft Word, I'm not kidding..."

There are few things in life more embarrassing than contemplating, "How big is my ass that a call from under it would include roaming charges?"



My pants are so big, they're like two windsocks sewn together. I've gotten offers from used car lots to borrow my conical leggings so they attach it to a high powered fan and turn it into one of those air-blown balloon attractions used to attract customers.



Resolved: Double strollers are cool and baby number 2 may be evil

Granted, if you've had a camera examining your crevices for a few hours, then you have every right to announce the amount of pain. But not in front of me, dude, especially when I'm waiting for my husband who may or may not have cancer. Let's get all Depeche Mode and enjoy the silence, mmmkay?





I'll clarify with this: my relationships on Saipan were tainted with "who the hell were you talking to" arguments.

If I'm already unsatisfied with the state of my breasts, why would I want them in a larger size? It would just be more of boobs I don't like.

And in a neighborly way, I offered, "If we make too much noise, let us know because none of the people staying there before ever said anything." But what I should have said is this, "NEVER let us know if we make too much noise."



I tried to think up a sexy way to say, "Let's not go into the bedroom yet. I have to find the airpump first."

Women in their 20s don't have minds of their own; they don't gain wisdom until menopause!



Fat and gassy: does that sound glamorous to you, Stacy Ferguson?

He shuffled into his house and shut the door behind him and if I could have struck him down just with dirty looks alone, he wouldn't have made it to the porch.

Have you ever heard that phrase? Butter face? Like in, "Everything about her was fine but-her-face?"



I'm trying to think of a witty name to call the escrow idiots. Es-hoes? Doesn't work. That sounds like I'm dissing some latinas. Break out the cervezas 'cause es hoes esta aqui! Note to self: must hone biting comments, need not be bilingual.

If someone had told me two years ago, "Mona, don't spend $171 on MAC makeup because you'll need that money for your unborn child," I would have said, "You shut your mouth with that baby talk. They're offering FREE SHIPPING!"



I guess this is what they mean when they say there are a lot of boobs in Washington

Truth is, I'll never be able to begin a sentence with, “I was shopping at Nordstorm’s the other day…”



But what they did instead was draw some acid-trip math equation, some circles that look like butts and initials.

After watching the Sopranos series finale last night, I have one question for David Chase: Um, the hell?



...what kind of woman waits in a parking lot until 9PM for a car that may or may not show up? (Answer: streetwalker!)

She asked me once, "So, do you WAWK?" And I said yes because I wasn't sure if she had asked me if I walk or if I work because yes, I work and to get to my work, I call upon my mobility.

I can just imagine sharing with my moms group how I had paced the toy aisle at Target, and how it was between the penis and the Sit-to-Stand Giraffe and as you can see, the wang definitely won out.



only comic standing



Happy Indepants Day!

On the weekends, we have custody of my mother.



When I was 13, I committed the requisite teen errors in judgment such as the time I decided to show off the new dance move I learned from MTV's The Grind which in retrospect, should have been called, "The Slutty Limbo."

When I was pregnant, I shared my wish for our unborn child with Mike: "I hope he has your eyes and my brain."

A letter to my teenage self



the customer is always right, unless it's my mother

I can't talk with my foot in my mouth

I celebrate my alma mater through a variety of UW-emblazoned sweatshirts, t-shirts and single bumper sticker. But my husband? He paints the inside of our garage purple and gold.

"It's not 'who can pee now.' It's 'who can it be now.'"

"Of course I'm not pregnant!" The minute I said that, the voice of God bellowed, "Hello, Mona? Did you know denial is a river in Egypt? Just some geography trivia for you!"



Even if I said, "Well, sometimes I drop him off at the taco truck on the corner," they'd say, "Oh that's great. He'll be able to order burritos in Spanish! HOLLA! I mean, HOLA!"

I need a mother who still has stories about debauchery and no-gag reflex victories and geez, would they get off Britney's back already?



I told Mike last night, "I would like to have another baby. But it doesn't have to be with you."

this is what you get when you marry me

This afternoon was the first time for me to experience the magic that is the Hot Doctor.



In which I stared at a lot of boobs but in a non-lesbonic way, though there's nothing wrong with that 'cause, hey, everyone experiments freshman year

Children, did you know that all Africans are all about their hair! Yes, it's true! There was also a civil war over a coke bottle that fell from the sky! Also true!



there was much swearing when this happened

I opted for the Mirena IUD instead of the copper version after hearing so many stories about copper wire theft. It's desperate times, people!



Because kissing is a gateway to whoring and whoring is a gateway to blogging. About whoring.

On Iowa and why I can't take narcotics

I want the space and freedom to freak out. I want to have the ability to tell someone there’s something wrong but we’re working on it.



We're raising a homeless man. What's that? Your son is going to be a doctor? My son is going to be a transient.

can he hear me now?



Two more life lessons from Tupac: 1) how to make a dollar out of fifteen cents and 2) California sounds a lot cooler if you pronounce it "Californ-i-a."

Why I refuse to watch Desperate Housewives



mona, interrupted