world f-bomb tour

Around three this morning, some homeless guy woke me up by cursing more than I do in a nonsensical rambling way. There were f-bombs, conspiracy theories, and sentences ending in, "Bang!" It was deathly quiet and his voice was so loud it echoed. I flirted with the idea of calling the cops, but I wasn't sure if the man was going to stick around or if the street outside was just a stop on his world-wide cursing tour. When I opened the sliding door, I saw his dark figure, hunched over on the sidewalk, turn toward me and he said in a straight and coherent voice, "Oh. Sorry."

There wasn't a peep after that.

direction of the spiral

direction of the spiral
Originally uploaded by kirida.

sailor-talking

I'm a potty mouth. I can't hold my tongue sometimes. I've realized that because I swear so much, it's most likely that my kids will curse, too. And you know whose fault that'll be? MTV. That's right, I can't take responsibility, either.

insert laughter here

insert laughter here
Originally uploaded by kirida.

pinball

pinball
Originally uploaded by kirida.

Last night, Mike and I checked out a very hip car club fundraiser in Georgetown, at a bar where everyone was rockabilly and had tattoos. I flirted with the idea of getting one because I want to be one of the cool kids. Unfortunately, the only identifying mark I have is a birthmark and that's not very hip, even if I try to play it off as a brown island tatt.

I think one of the biggest hoaxes in the pinball industry is the concept of the "bonus." As many kagillion points I rack up in the "bonus" round, I never beat the previous score and my flipper never works when I want it to.

"we don't need no water..."

"we don't need no water..."
Originally uploaded by kirida.

This is what you do when you find pictures of your ex or more importantly, your man's ex.

age before jury duty

During yesterday's lulling jury duty, I realized one thing: old people have the most boring ringtones. And they all answer their cell phones the same way. In a perfect world meant to only entertain me, this is how it would go:

*Woman grabs cell phone as stupid doop-de-doo ring tone goes off*
Woman: [in a shrill scream] MINDFREAK!!!!

jury duty day uno

Today is my first day of jury duty. Luckily, King County has provided its jurors with wireless, thus allowing this entry. A judge came out and told us how important we all were for being randomly chosen. He told a Groucho Marx joke, "I was married by a judge but I should have had a jury." Laughter ensued. We watched a 12-minute movie from Raymond Burke, you know, Perry Mason. I wonder if in some other county they have Ally McBeal reciting something about the history of juries. Thirty people were called for jury selection and I was not one of them. Man, I'm never chosen for anything! Raffles, dodge ball teams, the NFL draft, G-8 summit participants, and now, jury selection. I met a nice woman who laughed at my jokes while she was putting together some 1000-piece puzzle of a European castle, but then she tried to jack my vending-machine coffee and shrimp-flavored cup-o-noodles. I could have cut her, but I put away my treasured tae-bo moves (evidence that I've indeed matured since my days in juvie) and instead told her to check herself before subsequently wrecked herself.

Thanks to Gwen Stefani's efforts to increase literacy, children everywhere can spell bananas!

I can't buy bananas anymore. It's unnecessary pressure. I feel like I'm being timed. Whenever I get a bunch, I think, "Okay, I'll eat them before they turn brown," but then, I look at my banana hammock (not this banana hammock) and realize that once, again, I failed.

I've got your chamorro porn right here

I don't do this often enough, but I checked out my webstats. Here are some of the search queries that lead people to this corner of the internets.

In the "there's no greater feeling than taking a photo of a dead body after you've worked on it all day" category:
"mortician's work is done pics photos"

In the "awwww yeah..." category:
"alternative porn shaved head"
"booty shaking"
"chamorro porn"

Earning the WTF awards:
"wisdom teeth coming in insomnia"
"woman with one leg"

Awww!

Congratulations you love birds!

show-down at the craft store

There were some skanky hoes at Michael's the other day. When I say skanky hoes, I really mean old cobwebbed vaginas blocking the aisles with their carts and colossal bodies, who couldn't hear me when I said, "Excuse me," and shot me death-ray looks when I tried to squeeze through the thin crevass between them.

In other news, my iPod broke and since it was still under warranty, I got a shiny new one. Huzzah!

And I postponed my jury duty to teach 35 high school kids and since that's over, guess what I get to do on Wednesday? Yep. Civic duty? More like, civic booty!

okay, enough now.

family portrait

family portrait
Originally uploaded by kirida.

Some days, I miss my family. I like how we're not ready for this picture at all.

grrr

I took my iPod to the gym and it worked fine. When I turned it on in my car, it sad mac'd me. I was like, "Oh no you didn't!" and my iPod said, "Oh yes, I did! Booyah!"

Your Man Will Make Love to You More Often If You Have Sex With Him More Often

I've been rifling through old books and clothes, figuring out what I can sell for a garage sale my apartment complex is having in a few weeks. One thing I've noticed is that I have two self-help books I've yet to fully or thoroughly read. I've been highly suspicious of self-help methodology, because if I wanted to help myself, why would I need a book?

One is "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," given to me by my then-boyfriend who insisted I read it despite my joke title, "The 7 Habits of Effectively High People." I never read past page 18, particularly because said-ex-boyfriend was 1) unemployed (and not actively seeking a job) and 2) I came home from school every day to find him either a) asleep or b) in a furious session of Half-Life/Counterstrike/Sim City. So I haven't read all of the 7 habits, but I'm sure that aggressive jacking-off is not one of them.

The next one is, "Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know" by Barbara DeAangelis, Ph.D. (more like playa-hating degree) What I hate about this is how she plays on stereotypical patriarchal roles and recommends women feed into them, i.e., men are superior and like blow jobs, so buy some knee pads, ladies. I just turned to page 182, where the fourth secret unraveled is: Your Man Will Make Love to You More Often If You Have Sex With Him More Often. I mean, I'm no math major, but shouldn't equation be filed under "obvious"? More sex = more sex? What's even more troubling is her insistence that all women "feminize" sex and want more cuddling, long kisses, and of course, talking about feelings in bed. Men on the other hand, prefer a more jack-rabbit approach, seeking spontaneity, physical passion and playful, lustful sex. I disagree, Barbara DeAngelis. Not every woman wants to wrap herself around her partner in a post-coital jenga-tight leg grip. I usually end my hot, sweaty jungle sex by jumping out of bed in a chinese-get-up move, blaring gleefully, "NOW, WHO WANTS A SANDWICH!?!"

I think these will be in the "free box."

A Catholic pick-up line

"Girl, you so fine, I'd give you up for Lent."

a revelation

The other day I was shopping for sports bras and got upset because everything I tried on was making me a carpenter's dream: flat as a board. Note to sports bra manufacturers: I just want to work out, not change genders. Thank you.

eep!

have you ever done something wrong and knew that you were going to get an email calling you out on it? i did. and now I'm checking my email reluctantly, with one eye open.

extreme craft

The AOL Throne.

eat it.

If I'm a vegetarian, why do I dream about eating meat? And it's not a sexual thing, like I'm sucking down a kielbasa; I eat chicken sandwiches but it's a dark secretive effort, like those dieters who eat cookies in the closet. I dreamt the other night that I was getting married to B., this guy I used to work with who had a zz-top-length goatee. All my family and friends were there for the wedding but I was crying because I didn't want to marry him; I wanted to marry Mike. I knew I wanted a divorce when my new husband said, "Well, I hope her derriere doesn't get any bigger." WTF? I don't eat meat! B.'s never said derriere!

Bukowski

Bukowski
Originally uploaded by mathowie.

Friendly Advice to a Lot of Young Men

Go to Tibet.

Ride a camel.

Read the bible.

Dye your shoes blue.

Grow a beard.

Circle the world in a paper canoe.

Subscribe to The Saturday Evening Post.

Chew on the left side of your mouth only.


Marry a woman with one leg and shave with a

straight razor.


And carve your name in her arm.

Brush your teeth with gasoline.

Sleep all day and climb trees at night.

Be a monk and drink buckshot and beer.

Hold your head under water and play the violin.

Do a belly dance before pink candles.


Kill your dog.

Run for Mayor.

Live in a barrel.

Break your head with a hatchet.

Plant tulips in the rain.

But don't write poetry.

spin spin sugar

sugar packets
Originally uploaded by kirida.

For about the first year I lived in Seattle, I took sugar packets from every memorable restaurant or bar and marked the date and any important notes. I just recently found all of these in a purse I stuffed in the dark region of my closet. I've been in a nostalgic mood for the past hour, remembering particular moments. I have one from the Guam Airport, where for the first time I ordered a drink in front of my older brother. I think the "vengeful kid sister" in me wanted to shock him because it was only 10 in the morning. Most of them are from my early courtship with Mike, like the time we had dinner before the Rolling Stones concert or when we were in Iowa one summer for the Writer's Workshop. It's very sweet. Get it?

it's a boy!

My brother and his wife had a baby the day before yesterday. His name is Alejandro Concepcion, after my grandfather, weighing just a little under 8 lbs. He looks so much like my brother. Isn't he cute???

what target offers its reading public

what target offers its reading public
Originally uploaded by kirida.

Here's what I thought about this: notice how all the books are about dating, female pettiness, losing weight, shoping and having (and not having) sex? The young adult section casually morphs into the supposedly adult recommended reading but there isn't anything to distinguish between what's for teens and what's for an older crowd. Target offers a pathetic selection of gender-biased reading material, stacked with everything superficial and popular. But what about the *good* YA lit like The Outsiders? Or better recommended reading? *shrugs* What was I to expect from Target?

messing with the camcorder

A quicktime movie for all y'all.

Interpretive dance by Mona
About 512 K and features my awesome dance moves.

Edit: my sister thinks there's something wrong with me.

potty mouth humor

Lately, I've been swearing like a sailor. This reminds me of when I was younger and my mother used to punish me by washing my mouth out with soap. It didn't work though. Little did she know, I love the taste of soap!

--

Last night, Charlie told a joke from his youth. One kid would go to another and say, "Hey, Delmonte's looking for you, bud." When the second kid asked why, the first one would reply, "Because they can fruits!"

Get it? Get it? Okay, enough now.

Nora in flight

Nora in flight
Originally uploaded by kirida.

Sometimes I like to wear my I heart NY shirt so I can tell Nora that it's really my "I heart Nora Yem" shirt. We took a break and went to Safeway for some Starbucks. When I asked her to jump up and down, she did and that's why I heart Nora Yem.

bottoms up

artichoke bottoms
Originally uploaded by kirida.

At last night's dinner party, I made artichoke bottoms with sauteed onion and tomato filling. Yum in the tum.

dear library

dear library
Originally uploaded by kirida.

When the library first opened on Saipan, I was ecstatic. I was in the fifth grade and my mother insisted on walking me herself for fear of anything that might happen to me during the five minute walk from my door to the library steps. But she always took me there without question. That's what I thought of when I took this photo and watched a daughter instruct her mother how to fill out the blanks.

shameless self-portrait

self-portrait
Originally uploaded by kirida.

I lost my library card so I headed over to the central branch downtown and paid a buck for another one. Now the world can return to normal.

Breathe.

Today is my last day of real work this summer. Get ready folks.

Mama-san

Mama-san
Originally uploaded by kirida.

Some of my earliest memories of my mother are of her at her sewing machine. It always sounded as if she was sawing something in half, instead of sewing it together. She taught me how to appreciate a good pair of scissors. Sometimes I blame my mom for not instilling an arts and crafts spirit in me, but I think she already did.