it's not me, it's me.

I'm waiting for Mike to wake up so I can start cooking. I would start now, but I'm afraid I'll be done before he's up and then I'll have all this food staring at me. I could always blame it on the baby. I think Thanksgiving's the only day where I would rather be having quadruplets because then I could say, "I'm eating for five!"

According to my sister, my two-year-old goddaughter Brandee picked up the tail end of the turkey, ate it with both hands and announced to the party, "I'm eating the butt! I'm eating the butt!"

Happy Thanksgiving, folks!

my inner child, literally.

About a week after the first ultrasound, I got a call from my doctor's office saying I needed to go in again for a follow-up. There were some light spots on the baby's heart that they wanted to check for abnormalities. So Mike and I, being naive first-time parents, freaked out for a good while. We had other people telling us it would be fine, that this was all normal, but I still worried. I mean, I've taken the meds, I've been eating right, I'm young and healthy and they tell me this? So about two weeks pass by and Mike and I go for the follow-up ultrasound. And what does the radiologist tell me? Those light spots on the heart? Normal. They'll just get lighter. The nurse who called and freaked us out? She's a skanky hoe. Yep, she said skanky hoe. And by she, I mean, me retelling this event the way I believe it happened.

And yesterday's ultrasound confirmed it. I'm having a boy. I have the scrotal-picture for proof.

random

*I wish my stomach was huge and protruding. Maybe then I could get a seat on the bus. So I've taken to wearing maternity tops because it makes me look more pregnant than I am and I have to submit to them anyway.

*I got the most superficial email from my ex-boss. There was a short line hoping that I don't have morning sickness (insert eye-rolling here) and the bulk of it telling me to do follow-up on a project that ended three months ago. I told her no. Why won't she leave me alone? Some people don't get it. This is the same woman who confused my boredom-on-the-job as signs I was in an abusive relationship. I mean, WTF?

*I wish I could attack people with glue-guns then blame it on my pregnancy hormones. That way, I could get the fucker in my class who badmouthed my creative writing professor and shrug and point to my belly.

mean things I wish I had said and now must share in haiku form

lady, here's a tip:
clear your vagina's cobwebs
and you might get some

your pretentiousness
is like your smelly ball sack
unavoidable


your poetry sucks
and when you quote Blake or Poe
a part of me dies

why i hate david spade

There's a guy in my writing class who looks like David Spade and I hate David Spade. What's worse is that this David also bragged to the class that he and his wife spend about 600 dollars on fruits and vegetables every month. But I think most of the guys in my class irritate me. Maybe it's that they make sexist comments about the four women in the class or they huddle and grunt and shoot bear together. I'm not sure. There's another guy who looks exactly like my ex, but only British. Sometimes when he's not talking, I want to rush up to him and say, "When are you going to pay me back for those car payments, jerkface?" or "My mother always thought you looked stupid."

westside!

Someone traced out "WESTSIDE" on the hood of my car. What ever happened to "wash me" or the polite "please wash me"?

my hatchling, 14 weeks.

my hatchling, 14 weeks.
Originally uploaded by kirida.

At the ultrasound yesterday, the woman said, "I think that looks like a penis."


Mike responded later, "Well, if it's any son of mine, you would definitely see its penis!"



So we'll know if it's a boy at the next ultrasound but I know already. It was amazing to see this little bean flip and kick. Mike was so proud, he showed off all the ultrasound pictures, even the alien-looking one.

I wonder if I can drive in the carpool lane because I am two people now, and I have the pictures to prove it.

It's a uter-us, not a uter-you.

I went to my first doctor's appointment yesterday and here's what happened.

1. I haven't gained as much weight as I thought I did. In fact, I'm still at my pre-pregnancy weight. Maybe that's because I store most of the fat in my head.

2. I'm actually 14 or 15 weeks now, instead of 10. (The doctor felt my stomach and said, "Oh there's your uterus!") I get my first ultrasound on thursday. I kept thinking of that Friends episode where everyone can point out the baby out of the gray hurricane-looking picture, but she can't.

3. I heard the baby's heartbeat. The doctor smeared some gel on my tummy and felt around before this loud and fast swoosh-swoosh-swoosh came over the speaker. I thought I was going to lose it there, in front of this woman who had just seen my hoo-hah. It was this epiphany, as if up until this point I was in a dream-like state and now, it's really happening.

And since then I've been making that that audible nike-logo sound to myself, the swoosh-swoosh-swoosh and wondering how strange my mammoth heart must sound to this little hatchling.